Monday, November 3, 2014

Positivity, Here I Am

As I mentioned in the last post, I am something of a pessimist. Now, while I can be pretty supportive of others, regarding their issues, endeavors, etc, when it comes to my own, I tend to think the worst, and immediately go to the negative.

In the past, I have had a number of opportunities that I was not willing to try. As a college student, I was given the opportunity to go to Mexico and become a summer marketing intern for a solar power company. As a marketing major, and someone who has been taking Spanish as my foreign language of study since kindergarten, this would been a great opportunity to advance my skills, and hell, it was a chance to go to a foreign country, an experience that I had yet to have. However when informed of this option, I'm pretty sure my immediate response was "Ummm.... no thanks." Was it because I was not interested in experiencing life in another country? No. Was it because I was not interested in furthering my studies and experience in the world of marketing? No. Was it even because I was just having so much fun at home watching tv all day and napping? No, not even that. It was because I immediately thought about all of the things that could go wrong. What if something happens to my plane? What if I get there and it's a total scam and they sell me into modern black slavery? What if I can't master the language of Spanish and am alone with no one to communicate with or befriend? I let the what ifs take me right down the well of pessimism, never to be seen or heard from again.

Now, in reality, the internship was offered to me through a member of my parents church, and it was her husband's company, and clearly there are plenty of people in Mexico that speak English, I'd imagine especially on the business level. However I didn't even take the time to allow any of those things factor into my decision. It was right to worst-case-scenario with me, no buts about it. That same thought process has made me pass up quite a few life experiences that could have been very beneficial to me. And at the end of the day, these missed chances have left me with nothing but regret.

So, I am currently trying to change my outlook. I am trying to be open to the idea that perhaps everything does not go horribly wrong, that perhaps the universe is not set up as a series of chances to humiliate and destroy you. Perhaps, although the universe does tend to most resemble a very intricate obstacle course, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a happy ending to be had. Now, I realize that this entry ties very close to my previous post, but you have to understand how deeply interwoven this theme is into how I have lived my life up until now. And as I approach the "dreaded" age of 30 (when you kindof have to officially start considering yourself an adult), the idea of living this sheltered, unhappy, unaccomplished existence has kind of got me freaking out. So if speaking my pursuit of optimism into reality works, then hey, it's all worth it.

*photo above: A cloud that I saw one day walking through Columbia Heights. Now, is it me, or does that cloud look like a heart? Can't you see it? And isn't it strange that that was the only cloud in the sky?? I dunno, maybe I'm just being optimistic. (see what I did there?)

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