Monday, May 5, 2014

Nothing to It but to Do It

So, here we are again. My return from an extended hiatus. However, I have to be happy that the hiati are getting shorter (did I just make that up? Plural of hiatus? Whatev, I'm gonna go with it). It has been almost three months since my last entry, but I am not here to focus on what I have not done. I am writing to talk about my latest aha moment.

In my life, there are a lot of things that I have just not  been getting done, or not feeling all that accomplished about. At my day job, the big conference that we plan every year is coming up in less than a month, and there is SO MUCH that still needs to be done, and I spend quite a bit of time fretting over what will happen if I am not able to get it all done. So since I am trying to get things done at the day job, I end up being late for the part-time job, and also feel like I have been getting overly exerted and exhausted juggling between the two. However I can't really take a leave of absence from the part-time job because I need the money. And I have a lot of trips coming up this summer, so I definitely want to have enough money to enjoy all of them.

I tend to spend quite a bit of time thinking about how I am not going to be able to get it all done, or at least not in the way that I want to. I know what you're saying, "WHAT?! Adam spending alot of time THINKING about things not going right?? Unbelievable!"

The problem is though, that I keep stopping myself short. Letting that belief that nothing can be done slow me down and weigh me down to the point where nothing gets done, and I spend time that I could be productive being depressed about how I won't be productive enough.

Last week I found myself in a really dark place mentally. The kindof place where you're feeling so down that you find yourself just sitting in silence, motionless, just waiting for the tears to come.  I was kindof just waiting for the pressure of all the things to be done to just make all the walls around crash down and crush me to death. It was bad.

However, after I allowed myself to get to the bottom of the pit, to the darkest moment, there was a this tiny voice that arose from the gloom. It was this tiny little bit of fight that I still had in me, that just said, "Fuck this. I am NOT going out like that. We've gotta fucking do this." And strangely enough, it actually worked.

At the end of the day, I do have A LOT of things coming up, and a lot of work that needs to be done. So, there's nothing left to do but just get to it. I realized that I am not going to sit around and be sad about my inability to do everything that I need to do. I am simply going to not even entertain not getting everything done as an option, and if it kills me, then I will at least know that I went down giving it everything I had.

So, I started making a motivational playlist to get me pumped (it was very similar to a workout mix, as I felt like it was going to be just as challenging mentally as a workout it physically), and I just put that shit on replay at my desk, and I get to work.

I know that there may be some things that will not turn out the way that I wanted to, and there might be some things that just do not get done. But why even waste time focusing on that? I am choosing to have a little faith in myself, and seeing where I land.

Mary Mary - Get Up. One of the songs from my playlist. This one I have replayed NUMEROUS times over the week. It always gets me moving.

(photo above: me on the Royal Caribbean cruise i took last Fall with my family. I was so nervous about trying to stand up on the boogeyboard, and then when I finally just relaxed and listened to what the instructor said to do, I just did. I didn't even fall. And on my way off, a tiny little redhead girl even gave me a high five, lol. It was kindof a great moment.)

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