Thursday, January 23, 2014

Resisting the Urge to Quit

 Last night, after I posted the entry for yesterday (late), I got myself pretty worked up. I got worked up thinking about my unpleasant experiences in college, about my unpleasant experiences at my current job, just thinking about how many things that I feel that I have done wrong in my life. I started to slip down that dark pathway of despair that being highly neurotic and thinking negatively can easily begin to lead me down. In so many words, I have a lot of decisions that I have made and positions that I have put myself in as an adult that I feel that I should have done differently. And when I start thinking about them all, I can start to feel really bad about myself. It was as if all of the things that I had been talking about over these past few weeks hadn't happened. My negativity found the crack in my positive growth veneer, and was trying to quietly seep through. So of course I didn't get a good night's sleep, causing me to wake up late, causing me to get to work late, causing me to start my workday in a funk even worse than my normal funk about having to be here. The day did not start off well.

These past few entries of mine have felt really uninspired. Not that I don't have the desire to keep up with the challenge of writing a post a day for the month, but moreso that I felt that I was running out of things to write about. Was I really doing anything worth writing about? Is there any point to this? Should I just give up?Could I just not be the kind of person that is meant to strive for better, to achieve things in life, to find his joy?

So, as I was sitting at my desk, slightly brooding, I stumbled across a quote that my friend posted on her facebook wall:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is. It is your business to keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is only a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others" ~ Martha Graham

And with that, I rediscovered my reason to keep going. Despite whether or not these posts seem crappy to me, or less than perfect, that's not a reason to just stop altogether. I have a habit of quitting hobbies if they are not coming naturally to me, and by coming naturally I mean that I am not able to perfect them in a matter of minutes. Sports, drawing, painting, name a creative endeavor and I have probably tried it, and soon after quit it. This was my habit for many, MANY years. The only two hobbies that seem to have defied this tradition is my interest in writing and photography. Despite how crappy I may tend to feel that my creative work is, I always have a notebook nearby, and I am always looking out for what could make a  great photograph. So, with the above quote in mind, I am not going to give up. I am going to keep trying, push through the negativity, and come out on the other side. I mean, I am still young, and I still have a lot of learning to do. So now I just have to stick in there and learn it.

 I can do this, and I am going to prove it to myself. So come on, Adam, let's keep moving forward.

A scene from the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons where the main character Louis, a young, aspiring inventor who has lost faith in his abilities, tries to fix a peanut butter and jelly gun (it's a cartoon, and it takes place in the future, so just go with it). What comes from the experience in a newfound inspiration for him not give up on himself. It's one of my absolute favorite animated (or non-animated for that matter) movies. I am sure that I have referenced it on the blog before, but I just can't recommend this movie enough. I even started tearing up watching the last scene of the movie on youtube just now. SO GOOD.

(photo above: self-portrait taken in a restroom mirror. It could probably use some minor tweaking, but I kinda like it.)

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