Friday, January 3, 2014

Finding My Happy

Throughout my twenties, and probably even before, I have spent more than half of my days trying to find the path to my personal happiness, and usually feeling like I was nowhere near it. I have always been a worry-wart; not quite a true pessimist, but, something that closely resembles a "Debbie Downer". I tend to walk the world looking through a "worst-case scenario" type of lens, constantly shying away from any potential risks that I may encounter. And while I can say that I have made it to nearly 28 years old without many physical scars, sometimes the emotional scars that come from hindering yourself can hurt just as deeply, if not worse. With the physical scars you at least have tangible proof of when they have healed. Sometimes the emotional scars never heal, they just get deeper and more serious with time. So now, it's time to start breaking that mold.

Within the list of New Year's Intentions that I created for 2014, I think, is the key to my personal happiness. One of the things that I have been actively trying to work on is to not care about what other people think so much. I tend to let my insecurities make me put waaay too much emphasis on the approval of those around me, even strangers. This can manifest itself in any way, from influencing what I wear, what activities I participate in, and even to what books I read or music I listen to while traveling on public transportation. How ridiculous is that??? I mean, first of all, it is very self-centered of me to think that most people would ever give two shits about what I am dressed like or what books I read/music I listen to. Secondly, it's like what RuPaul once said: "What other people think about me is none of my business." If someone actually does have the gall to disapprove of something in my life, why should that have any power over what I feel is right for me? Therefore, I am trying to make a more conscious effort to not let those outside influences corrupt my sense of self. The only person living this life is me, right? So why give others the power to decide what's right for it?

One of my favorite quotes about life is actually from the Princess Diaries (hey that shit was good), that the main character's father writes in a letter to her: "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."

At the end of the day, the only person responsible for my happiness is me. Despite the bad things that are bound to be a part of life, it's up to me to decide how I receive them, and whether or not I build from them or let them make me crumble. I choose build.

I want to feel like a room without a roof. I want to be happy.

Can we just talk about how awesome the kid at the 1:30min mark is??? Thanks to Karen at for posting this.

(photo taken in May 2008 on a trip to NYC right after I finished my senior year of college. I went with my two roommates, and we just ran around having fun and loving life. This trip was definitely a piece of happy for me.)

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