Being Present

One thing that I want to try to start doing more in 2014 is to stay present in what's going on in my life. So many times last year I felt like I was simply floating through my life, not just letting things come as they will, but actively disengaging myself from the situations that I was in. Looking back, I just feel like I was spending a lot of time trying to protect myself from what I felt was the inevitable disappointment and pain that was sure to ensue as the year progressed. I somehow got so convinced that there was no way that things were going to get any better for me, that I became more focused on just trying to lessen the permanent damage from the shit storm than trying to escape it. 

For this year, I want to get as far away from that as possible. This year I want to make sure that I am an active participant in my life. I want to do this through looking for more activities and things to do to bring joy to my life. Previously, one of my big issues would be that I would get very excited about doing something, and I would want to find someone to do it with me, so that I can have the shared experience with someone. However, more often than not, the person whom I choose to accompany me in said activity, would end up cancelling after they have already agreed to it, or do it and not enjoy it, and immediately lose interest, which would then make me not want to do it either. That socially codependent shit needs to stop. I am going forward with the intention to do what it is that I WANT TO DO regardless of whether or not I have someone to do it with me. I need to be more courageous and committed when it comes to the things in my life, because needing to always hold on to someone else's hand before taking a step forward is bound to lead to my own journey suffering a serious misdirection. If I have someone to do an activity with, great. But just because someone else decides not to join me or if no one else wants to go, it does not mean that the activity at hand might not be the absolute best thing for me to propel my life in the right direction. No more floating through like a stray cocoon. 

Another thing that I would like to work on is finding ways to alleviate my stress. I don't seem to have a good handle on ways to relieve stress from my life, other than from eating, drinking, and watching something on tv. I need to find better ways to rid myself of unnecessary stress that will not only relieve the stress, but put me in a better place moving forward. Be it a meditation practice (which I was in once, and loved it, but then quit, which is a story for another day), yoga, exercise, something that will relieve the stress and also put me in a better frame of mind. The one thing that I have always done when I am just in a really bad place and need to get some things out is to write. Now it is definitely not the most glamorous of prose, but it gives me the mental purge necessary to go on, and it helps me get through to the next day. However I would like to find something that not only relieves my mental stress, but also my physical stress. 

Speaking of, I have a physical in a couple of days, and I am kind of nervous about it. I mean, I don't think that I am at risk of dying next week, but throughout these past few years I have been getting chest pains and headaches and back aches and random other little things that I assume a attributed to stress, but still, I need to know where I stand, find out what I should do to try and make myself better (other than quitting my day job tomorrow) so that I will be alive to see the brighter days that I know are ahead, and healthy enough to enjoy them for all they are worth. We only get one go around on this spinning orb, so I gotta make better use of it.    

(photo above: self portrait, taken in the reflection of a piece of art in a gallery in Baltimore, MD. The whole day was amazing; me and a couple of my friends drive up to Baltimore, got gelato in Little Italy, went down to the waterfront, went by to smell the sweet scents coming from the Domino Sugar Factory, and then ate at this INSANE diner, totally decorated with toys and random shit. It was an amazing day.)