Thursday, January 19, 2012

What Is To Become Of This

I don't know why I always completely stop writing on this thing, and I don't know why after I have stopped writing for so long that I even care about this thing anymore, but I do. Lately I have been wanting so badly to find something to commit myself to, be it a hobby, or hopefully a new job soon, but I just feel like I need something to hold onto, something to keep me going.

My current job situation at the non-profit is becoming more and more unbearable, and I find that I need to get myself moving on finding a new job, but I just can't seem to get my ass in gear. I realize that my finding a new job is going to depend in large part on me (unless they fire me.... but for the sake of my bills, I hope that they don't), but I think that my problem is lack of confidence. For my entire life, I have always had self esteem issues, related to one insecurity or another, usually intelligence, talent and attractiveness (not such small things), and this job has just added to that pile of fun. Whereas before I have always been at least able to say that I am a hard worker, the convoluted demands of my boss make me feel like I am just a lazy sonofabitch who can't seem to get his ass in gear. Whether or not that is what is actually going on, I think that for the sake of my self-worth I need to get the hell out of there.

In the meantime though, I need to find a way to get some genuine joy out of my life. I mean, I work at a movie theater part time, and I have found that that has been a much more rewarding experience than I imagined, but it is still not enough. While it is nice to go from a job where I constantly feel that I am not performing well enough, to a job where they regularly tell me how much they appreciate having me as a part of the team, I need to find something that is not only beneficial to my self esteem, but also helps me work towards reaching a new plateau in my life. I am hoping that through getting back to writing more regularly, and exploring some other creative ideas that I want to turn into reality, I am hoping that this year will be one of growth and positive change. I mean, it's supposedly the last year before the end of the world, so what better time to try and make myself into the me that I would like to be?

I hope that this post does not read as too disorganized, but it's 2am and I am half asleep. But I hope that this is a step towards something good. I guess that I will have to just wait and see. Let's just hope that I don't go another year without posting anything again.

If anyone is reading this, you can check out my tumblr account to see some of the random things that capture my attention from day to day: . I don't post much original content (/any), but it gives an idea of what kind of stuff grabs my attention as far as arts and culture.

Well, there we have it. The first entry in over a year. That wasn't so hard, was it?


palmerpink said...

Writing, nyeah? Well I need to put more time into writing, too, so if you wanna, like, hang and, like, discuss/spitball writing stuff I'd be down. Sometimes it helps to have someone who is facing the same struggles with their writing....

Anyway, I do hope you get back into blogging more. It helps to keep one writing even when they're otherwise busy/can't really commit to a literary project, y'know? Mrr.

I hope you're doing well, let's chat or stuff soon, man!

Adam said...

Palmer I cannot believe that I am JUST t seeing this post, lol. Geez. I think that us hanging out to do anything would be awesome/ should be happening. If we can get it to actually benefit my life accomplishments, even better :-)