Well, today was the first day that I walked into my job with a clear expiration date on the horizon. I wasn't exactly walking around knocking pencils off the desk or throwing important documents, but I was definitely not as on my game as I was in past weeks. I mean, I did what was asked of me, but not much more. I spent more time than usual chatting online, web surfing, and just goofing off.
I think that this summer I definitely convinced myself that there would be a good chance that I would get hired on full time, so I didn't worry about it. I thought that as long as I did a good job, then I would not have to worry about finding another job. So I sat back, did not try to update my resume or worry about looking for other jobs, and just waited for the invitation to stay on to arise. i know that I need to stop whining about it, it's very much the kind of situation that warrants "ok, it didn't work out the way you planned. GET OVER IT......" and I am trying to I promise, it's just that the fear that I felt upon graduation over finding a job and being successful at it is back again, and now that I have tasted what a good job feels like, the fear of finding another one is that much greater. My sister has been surprisingly supportive of me on this journey, talking to me about how much more capable I am than I give myself credit for. I have to admit, I have so little faith in my own abilities. I wouldn't quite call it low self esteem, I'd probably euphamize it and say that I have a skewed self image (you say tomato, I say "are you saying that i'm ugly?" haha ). So, when I talk to her, she really tries to pick my spirits up, and I really appreciate it, even though she usually gets so intense that I feel overwhelmed and retreat into myself instead of hearing everything that she has to say. I love her to death, but like I said before, she's an entire entry to herself...... But she is my financial hero. She has taken herself from my family's humble beginnings to now getting ready to buy a Lexus. She is smart, disciplined, and making her life her own. If I come out doing half as good as her I will consider myself lucky. Basically, with her help, and the help of my friends, I plan to become successful and stay positive despite my lack of security, external or internal. I am feeling very Scarlett O'Hara tonight, hence the title of this post. I will succeed, I will set and attain some goals in my life.
On a different note, my friend Steven has just started yet another blog (the boy is great at it, but he can't keep one going as long as he can keep a hairdo (and that's usually not a long time ;) ) He's great at making them, but he seems to always get a change of heart and instead of redecorating the old one, he likes to start afresh. I really hope that this one stays around for a while, it's very cute, and I think that it has true potential. Here's the promo that he made for it. Hope you enjoy it. Later Days!