Well, it's official, I am in love with my new computer! I mean, I just love it. I missed waking up, checking my favorite blogs before heading into the shower, and getting ready to go to work. I missed being able to upload my latest photos right onto my computer and delete them off of my camera. Consequently, I have not taken any new photos since my memory cards filled up, so now I can clean out my memory cards and get back into photography. My friend S-Dot showed me a new blog today that he found out about from our boss, called Shutter Sisters. It's an amazing blog for anyone who loves everyday photography. It's not studio shots, but they are absolutely beautiful. I first went on the blog today, and as soon as I started looking around, I fell in love. It really made me remember why I love photography. As much as I love looking at the innovative things that photographers can do in the studio with professional models, there is nothing more beautiful than a photograph made by someone, be them amateur or professional, that is just taken out of everyday life at random. There is something about the use of light and dark and texture and exposure that touches my soul on a very deep level. Even the other day when I was just doing a free write, I remember writing in bold that I WANT TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER. Whether or not I have the necessary education or the technique or the talent, I don't even really care. It's just something that i really like, and have liked for a while.
On the other side of my "Green" romance, I realize that whenever I am thrown into a new experience, be it a boy or school or some new situation, unless I have someone who i know there to ground me, I purge all sense of myself for the chance to become someone that fits into this "new world". I did it with Green and I did it while I was in school for the most part. I was talking to my friend the other day, and it was like out of the blue, I had one of those epiphanies where its something you've said many times before but you never really listened to it, until suddenly, it's like the skies opened up: One of my biggest flaws, if not THE biggest, is that for the most part, I give my friends great advice (i mean I am no Dr. Laura, but I don't think that any one of my friends could say that I've ever steered them in the wrong direction), but I am incapable of taking my own advice. Even beyond that, I never think to even give myself advice when I am in a crappy situation, my brain automatically goes straight to wallowing. It's really sad, I know, but I am in a good enough mood that I can laugh about it. I only say this because right now I am going through my favorite part of my dating cycle: when the relationship is over and I can go back to my old self again. More than in any other pseudo-relationship I have ever been in, this time I was constantly trying to be "perfect A-squared". I mean, from the clothes that I wore when I met him, and the dialogue that we used, I even found myself not as silly when I am around him, and if anyone knows me, I am a pretty silly person in general. If not physically goofing off making faces and doing accents and such, I am making jokes and random comments. If anyone of my friends had described the above situation to me, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and told them that they need to get out of that sitiation and find one where you can be yourself. I don't know what it was, but I constantly found myself leaving Green's presence feeling lost and disoriented, like I was in a parallel universe or something. Therefore, since that phase is over, I am starting to rediscover the things about myself that I love, and now I finally do understand that I love certain things about myself. My natural personality is not constantly trying to wear the latest fashion trends flawlessly, or going out to a different club every night, or doing any of that crap. I do not like shopping by popular demand, I like what i like, and it's random and eclectic at times. I am a boy from the Midwest for Christ's sake, Indiana to be exact. I appreciate going for a walk through a trail, most of the time I like dressing for comfort over trend (which isn't to say that I don't like looking good, but it doesn't have to be what everyone else considers hot), and if I never went to another nightclub, I would not die. Now I'm not saying that these were all qualities that Green possessed, I'm reaching through all of my life experiences. But I know that I never want to care about having the most expensive furniture or clothes, or having to feel better than anyone. I just want to be me, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I hope that this entry did not come off as too heavy, but I just felt the need to get this off of my chest. I really feel good going into this next phase in my life. Maybe this Man-fast is just what I needed. I am cleansing my spirit of all of the stress that I put into men and focusing on myself: spiritually and financially. Now that I am a working man, I am starting to realize that I need to focus on making myself financially secure right now. My lease is up at the end of August, and I have not found a new place to live yet. More on that later, time for bed, night night.
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