Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Life without a laptop: a tragic tale

hey bloggeys! 
The entire ordeal of not having a computer on hand.............sucks............donkey nuts. When I tell you that I have to take two busses every time that I want to use a computer, that is no joke. I have to come back to the campus of my new alma mater (sp?) and use my old school ID to get in and use their computer lab. It's inconvenient, and then on top of that, I can only use the mac computers because they do not ask for a password or anything, so it's kinda complicated when trying to send out my resume and edit it and such. I am here now awaiting the tech guy to show me that the important items on my computer (not including the porn, although it will be missed) can be salvaged from the wreckage that is my hard drive before I clean it out and reload everything from scratch. And on top of that, it is going really slow, so i do not think that it will even be done today. So worst case scenario: I leave my hard drive with the guy overnight, possibly more than one because he does not work everyday, and then if he looks in there, he possibly sees all of my gay porn and stops working to save my comp altogether, then even if he doesn't, the stuff on my hard drive may still be lost, meaning that any photos, writings, or anything that i saved over the past year and a half is gone................ Which already happened once, and I am really not looking forward to revisiting. Can I just say that this sucks? If I want to send out some emails or something I have to plan 24 hours in advance unless I want to spend my entire day cooped up in a computer lab. 

But on another note, there are some seemingly good things going on in my life. For instance, my friend S-Dot got a promotion at his job, and they needed someone to fill his old position, so I interviewed for it and am now just waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully I should know by tomorrow, and the girls who interviewed me liked me so they just need the boss to approve my hiring. wish me luck on that.

Second, Green, the boy that I was talking about a few posts ago, went away for a week and told me upon his return that he thought about me the whole time. Now don't think that I am getting my hopes up or jumping the gun, because while he was gone, I thought about the situation and told myself that even if he did something like this, we need to just start out as friends, again. Like, he told me that he's going to "act like the whole thing didn't even happen" and I was thinking to myself, "but it did. you told me that you wanted to be friends but could not be with me", so that tells me either A: you are not really that interested in me but you are willing to give me a try, which tells me that you are settling or something, and I don't wanna be someone who someone settled for, I want to be the one who someone feels that I was, in the words of keisha cole, "sent from heaven". And B: you really do like me but you are stopping yourself for some reason, and if there is a reason then I want him to think about what that reason is, because my first college boyfriend did something like that where he decided that. He wanted to break up with me early in our courtship, then thought about it (for a few minutes) and changed his mind, saying he made a mistake, then he dumped me five months later, leaving a rain cloud over the end of my freshman year, without even being able to give me a reason why he wanted to. So, although I am completely willing to go through a relationship and then down the road find out that we are just no longer into each other, I want to make sure that whoever is with me is with me for the time being because they want to be, not just because they are a nice boy who did not know how to get out of a messy situation. I do not want anyone dating me out of pity or because they did not want to hurt my feelings. So, while he thinks that he may want to pretend like he never said the things he said, I will not. I think that for both of our benefit we need to go slow, and just start out as friends again. When he said the things he said, I think that he felt that he knew me a little bit more than he really did, thinking that I was just over the moon with him. Now I'll admit that I did like him, but I was still just trying to get to know him. I think that if we continue to hang out as friends and get to know each other a little better, then Green will have a chance to get to know the real me, and if he still wants to be with me, and I him, then we can go from there, but I don't want to try and start something where he doesn't even feel comfortable enough to tell me why he has apprehension towards being with me. The first time I saddled up to go for the dating "ride" with Green, i was just going along with it, trying to get get comfortable, and out of nowhere I got thrown off for reasons that I did not understand. So the idea of just hopping back on like nothing happened is not something that I feel is smart. I want to learn from what I experienced, and watch out for the warning signs. 


Between thinking myself and talking to a few friends that know me the best, I have come up with three possible (and totally acceptable) reasons as to why he may not want to be with me or thought that he did not:

1. He doesn't like me, personality wise: If he thought that he liked me when I wasn't being myself (ie trying to be some kind of Rico Suave slicked up asshole) and then thought that we did not mesh once i started to go back to myself, then he may just feel like we don't click romantically but doesn't know how to tell me and yet still salvage a friendship.

2. He has some sort of medical/physical drawback like being HIV positive or has some other sort of STD: If this is the case, then maybe that's why he is afraid of being with me, because he doesn't know how I would react to that, which is very valid because I have never been in this sort of situation before, so even I don't know how I would react when actually faced with it. 

3. He doesn't find me sexually satisfying: Now although the few times we got together i had little hints that he was enjoying himself, and I was enjoying myself, i know that there were times when he felt that i was not that into it, and the first time it did get a bit awkward at times, so maybe I am just not giving him the kind of sex that he feels that he needs in a relationship. Now if this is the case, I totally understand if he wants to just stop where we are, but if he is willing to keep exploring each other, I am definitely interested in that. 


Now to me, any of these three reasons are acceptable to me, and I want to make sure that he knows that I really mean that. So the next time that I get to talk to him face to face (i hate having serious conversations about possibly sensitive issues over the phone, and i refuse to do them via text messaging back and forth; i need to see the way that my words are being received and i want to see his reactions to the things I am saying so that I can read his expressions so that I know what may need further explanation) i will bring up these 3 possibilities and see if any of those are the reasons. If so, then we can talk about them and see if they can be resolved, with time. I think that when I was in this situation 4 years ago I was too eager to just be with the guy, not taking time to think about whether or not it felt right, or what i wanted. But 4 years later I have a better assessment of my own personal worth in these situations, and I realize that if both of us are not happy then it is not a good relationship. So, best case scenario I will get to know him more and we will grow closer romantically, and worst case scenario we are either newfound friends, or we part ways before we cause each other unnecessary pain. So, I think that we are in a good position. All I can do at this point is wait and see. I don't want to blow out the fire while the embers are just starting to glow, but i am willing to stop trying if we can't even cause a spark. At this point, all i can do now is wait and see. 

2 comments:

Jaison said...

absoutely loving your blog, came by it randomly and got somewhat transfixed on your posts, isn't that odd? haha well not odd in a bad way...

anyways, feel free to hit me up if you want to chat...

myspace.com/thatswicked
yahoo: jaison_diaz

-J

queerkidofcolor said...

Love the blog! Keep it up!