So, I basically have been drinking, socializing, and partying nonstop since Thursday evening, and I'm not gonna lie, it's been fucking AWESOME! I had SOOOO much fun this weekend, and I am so happy that I did, I needed it. I am actually a little lit right now......thank you cheap wine from Target......... but I do have some ideas for this ol' blog of mine. Now I am not putting a time stamp on my shit this time, but I want to an entry about when or under what circumstances you should let go and forgive a bad hook-up situation, and also I am toying with the idea of making some new youtube/video posts. The only problem is, when I go back and look at the video posts that i made in the past.....I think that I look like a FOOL! I tried to be funny, but I think that by myself I just look touched. I need to be part of a cast, so that I have someone to play with, or at least someone there to critique me and tell me when something that i think is funny is just reading as dumb. Well, since I believe that one should never waste a good Merlot buzz, I will say goodnight.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I just might be ok.....
One thing about myself that I know, is that once I write a problem down, or say it aloud to someone, it makes the situation feel alot better. Once I actually wrote down what I was feeling, it wasn't so bad. Now if I could just get to the point where I am actually writing about positive stuff in here......
Every time I come back to this project (blog), I always want to come back and be a totally zen person, who can write only about positive things, and be really nice and just breath daffodils and puppies blah blah. No. That is not me. I can be pessimistic, grouchy at times, childish, ignorant, rude, and unappreciative. However, I am also trying. I am trying to be a better person. I have the desire to improve who I am for the better, and I will not be comfortable until I am better. I don't have to be perfect, since perfection does not exist, but I want to become a person that I can respect and appreciate, whether someone else likes me or not. I know that I'm not there yet, but I promise to try my hardest not to give up on myself.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Grasping at Straws
I am starting to think that I might be falling into a light depression. Not the kind that makes me look towards the medicine bottles and sharp objects at my disposal, but the kind that makes me lazy and uninspired and makes it hard for me to get the shit done that I need to get done.
Basically, in the beginning of December, I lost my job. My company went out of business, and we were all let go, without severance, without even a days notice. Ever since then, I have slowly been working my way through the 5 stages of grief. There's a lot of story to go along with the layoff, but for now let's just say that it was anything but clean cut. When I found out I did not want to tell anyone, partly out of embarrassment and partly because I wanted to avoid the pity party that could ensue. Even beyond that, I didn't want to be in a situation where I looked to someone for pity and didn't find any, so I thought that I'd rather just not worry about being in that situation altogether. I went home to the Midwest for the holidays, and slowly started breaking the news, still focusing on just having a really good Christmas break, which I did. I had a great time, and the Monday after Christmas, when I came back, within 24 hours I had a horrible stomach flu. I had to leave the movies in the beginning of The Princess and the Frog, only to then throw up out of an open cab door. Sexy, no? I was in my apartment for most of the week. I ended up spending New Years Eve in my apartment by myself, feeling the least fabulous that I have ever felt. Luckily as soon as my body was up to snuff, I immediately went to any party/event that I was invited to and have not stopped since. I learned that I no longer completely suck at Guitar Hero and got a kickass Rum Punch recipe.
The only things that I have not really spent a lot of time doing is anything productive. My best friend Jillian tells me that I should just enjoy the down time since I am so high strung. Yes, it might come as a surprise that I am a little OCD because my life, as well as my apartment, is something of a mess, ALL THE TIME. What I realized about OCD, though, is that it isn't about being organized or clean, it's about needing your pencil case to be in a precise position or else the moon will fall out of the sky. Basically, since I am not working you would think that I would be out doing things that I like, taking time for myself, and just finally being happy that I have free time.......... Not so much. Yes, I have done some things that I enjoy doing, but every time I do anything, I am thinking about what I should be doing towards finding a job. When I am in my apartment, I am not simply enjoying watching DVDs and painting and working on my novel. I am thinking about how I should be cleaning my apartment, should be looking for a cheaper apartment, and should be working on my budget and making a plan of attack to get my life in gear. Do I ever do any of these things? NO. Do I care that they are not getting done? Sadly, YES.
I am torn between just trying to find a job period and trying to think about what I would actually like to do with the rest of my life. I mean, I would ideally like to be a photographer in some capacity. You know, once I get over my fear of flying I'd like to travel the world taking photos for magazines and showing my work at galleries and things like that. Some of my friends and family have said that they think that I should just try and start up a little photo business, but I think that I'm just too afraid. I mean, photography is one of the few things that I have enjoyed doing for a very long time. I could actually see myself doing something with it. My problem is, because it is something that I love so much, having someone tell me that I suck would really hurt. And as I'm currently working through the 5 stages of grief, I'm not really looking to have any hopes dashed.
I remember when I was in high school, and this photographer Fred Clarke came in to talk to our Honors in Photography class, and he told me that he thought that I "have it". When he asked each of us why we were into photography, I said that I liked people, and I like capturing moments in time or someone/something's life. He told me that that's something that you can't give someone, it's something that you need to have, that connection. I think that when he told me that, I instantly became scared. I was afraid that if I actually had "the gift", then the only person that could prevent me from being a photographer was me. So I dunno, it's like one of those passions that you're afraid to share with the world because you don't want their possible disinterest to spoil it. If I went after it and failed, what would I do then? Would I be strong enough to just pick up and go on after that? I dunno.
This entry is a shitload longer than I intended it to be, yet it was nowhere near long enough. Maybe I'll get some clarity in the light of day. Nite.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This Isn't Going As Well As I Planned.....
It seems that once I actually wrote that I wanted to write, all urge to write left me. Working on it..........
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Sooooo........I'm taking a Mulligan, sort of
Ok, so I have already flubbed up the plan to write everyday this month, but technically, if I started yesterday then I am still on schedule. Maybe I'll just write everyday from the 2nd of Jan to Feb 1st. Who knows, I am still a little messed up from the events of yesterday. More on that to come. Later, after some rest, or some food.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
What a Way to Begin the Year
As I might have mentioned before, whenever I feel like I am getting to the point where I am going to start writing on the regular basis, I always find some reason to stop again, or to at least put it off or avoid it. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, I actually love to write. That isn't to say that I am a phenomenal writer, or even that I am good, but I actually tend to like what I have written. The main reasons for me not writing in this blog as much as I would like to are as follows:
1. When I write, I don't tend to edit. Once I write something down, I don't go back and change it, except for grammar and punctuation when I catch it. So once I publish it, it will most likely be there forever.
2. I worry about how what I write will be perceived. Sometimes I write something, and I think to myself, am I over-sharing? Am I censoring myself too much? So when I write, sometimes issue no. 1 comes into play too much.
3. I want people to want to read what I am writing. I don't necessarily want to cater to any particular type of person, but I would be lying if I said that I publish this online purely for some therapeutic reason; I want people to want to read it. I do personally benefit from writing things down, but if it was purely for that reason I would just keep a handwritten journal, or a private electric journal. I write it online because I like the possibility of someone getting something from what I write, or being able to relate to a story or thought that I have shared. What's the point of being interconnected through the internet if we don't use it to actually connect to people? (And I don't mean for anonymous sex and used furniture.)
4. When I don't keep my blog up I feel guilty (like right now). I am not very good at keeping up with things over long periods of time (credit card payments, club memberships, anything that requires more than the attention span of a dodo bird), and although I was never baptized, I seem to have inherited my parents "Catholic guilt". Whenever I feel like I am letting someone down, be they real or hypothetical, I always feel bad, and tend to take it out emotionally on myself. So whenever I forget to write, or stop writing for a while, I invoke a strong sense of avoidance and denial to get over the bad feelings. So when I commit to writing in this thing, I need to try to stick with it, even if I mess up.
So, despite those 4 reasons, I am going to again try to commit to this blog, and allow it to be as flippy and flighty as I am. I know that this might be asking for trouble, but I am going to start with committing to writing something each day for the month of January in this blog. Whether it's a short blurb about, or a looooooong (possibly oversharing) entry, my plan is to write something every day this month. And yes, it is technically about 3AM on January 2nd, since it is still night I am counting this for the 1st.
So there you have it, the start to a short-term goal that I think that I can achieve. Let's see how it goes, huh?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Quick Rundown
SoIwenttomysister'shouseforThanksgivingitwasprettygoodIhungoutwithmysisterandplayedaroundwithmyniecealotshe'sfullofenergyandIfoundmyselftiredalotbutIlovehersoit'sok. Weatesomegoodfoodandwatchedsomemoviesthoughwecouldn'tgetthroughanentireonebecausemynieceisobsessedwithtwothingsattentionfromthosearoundherandthemovieHappyFeet. IalsorecentlywenttothedoctorandwaitforitI'mnotdyingatleastnotyetIstillhavetogetsomebloodworkdonebutDrPajaramydoctorjangledmyjinglebellsandmademebendovertocheckmybuttforgenitalwartsbecauseI'mgayluckilyeverythingwasAokaybackthereshewasawomansothatmadetheexperiencethatmuchmorememorableifnotembarassing.
IamgoinghomeforChristmasandIhopetoseeoldfriendspossiblyfoolaroundwithanexandcomeoutoftheclosettomygrandmotherletshopeshedoesn'tdiefromthenews. IknowthatIshouldwritemoreandtrytowriteinamorecoherentformatbutit'stheendoftheworkdayandIamboredandIjustwantedtoseeifIcouddoitnowlookingatitmakesmyheadhurtandifeeldizzytimetostop.
Happy Holidays everyone. A rational entry is soon to come, although with the way my mind has been it might just be a flood of entries all on one day. Be Prepared.
